The Dailies :: Free Flung Fabrications

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Mike Adkins
My wife asked me if I had any fantasies. I said "Yeah I've got this one where were complete strangers and we've never met". "Ohhh" she said "And then you pick me up in a bar or something?" "No" I replied "Just the first bit!"
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8 hours ago · Dayton, OH
  • You, Roger Keime, John Franks, Linda BlueEyes and 5 others like this.
  • Arne N Sundt A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
    The boy asked, 'What is this Fath    er?'
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
    They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

    'Go get your Mother'
    7 hours ago · Unlike · 2
  • Arne N Sundt For centuries,
    Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she br    ings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
    7 hours ago · Unlike · 1
  • Arne N Sundt The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

    There were all the regular types of stuff: sp    illed milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

    "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

    • Mike Adkins Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah" says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
      8 hours ago · Like · 4
    • Linda BlueEyes You're supposed to say no! Or to be safe: "not since I met you and my fantasy was fulfilled!" Silly.
      8 hours ago · Like · 2
    • Arne N Sundt The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

      Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

      OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

      "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

      A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

      The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

      The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

      After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

      So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

      Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

      "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
      8 hours ago · Like · 3
    • Mike Adkins A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar, stinking of whiskey, cigarettes and stale beer. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

      "I'd like to apply for the job" he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off the Attack Carrier Oriskany back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am".

      The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

      The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered at the old man. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

      What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

      The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

      It's called "Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself".

      The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. 

      After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light".

      He then launched into another mesmerising song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline" excused himself and headed for the john.

      When he came out the bartender went over to him and said "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours, but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

      "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied "Hell, I wrote it!!"
      8 hours ago · Like · 2
    • Arne N Sundt > A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
      >
      > While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
      >
      > If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
      >
      >
      > His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
      >
      > Be strong honey. I love you too.'
      8 hours ago · Like · 2
    • Mike Adkins The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. 

      As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

      Obviously they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

      People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".

      Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?' 

      She answered - "THE TEETH".
      8 hours ago · Like · 2
    • Arne N Sundt As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

      I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

      I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

      The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

      And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

      As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
      8 hours ago · Like · 2
    • Arne N Sundt An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

      I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

      Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00

      The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
      8 hours ago · Like · 1

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